From now on, check my LJ for updates. Joke. Pero kung wala dito, andun. Kung di public, friends only. Hihi.

Like my latest entry which is a must read. Wahahaha.

Raf, mag-LJ ka na. =))

Temporarily sedated

I am doing this for my own good because I believe that I have or will have memory loss resulting to Alzheimer's in the future.

1. You make me sick. (Sunday, October 22)

I choose not to talk in detail about this because by the end of a paragraph, the sober-ness would have worn off and the impotence would have returned to conquer my entire being. So there. No more of that memory for at least tonight.

2. I hope you had the time of your life. (Wednesday, October 25- Friday, October 27)

Day 1- Met up at Sj's house and was brought to the bus station. Boarded the bus and off to Pampanga we went! When we got there, we had lunch, played cards, played cards, played cards, ate, played cards, played cards. Actually, all we did was walk to the farm and back to the house to rest, play lots of cards and drink.

And attempted to join the other group to no avail because they were artists. Ok Jon di ko parin yun gets e. Hahaha.

Day 2- Binawi ang day 1. Haha. We played billiards, went around, slept, played charades (!!!!) and sang and drank alcohol til 3am. Whattalife. I love. ♥

Girls and boys were in separate rooms but since we were in a kubo, we were able to hear the guys talking. Ito ang ultimate:

Ian: Ayoko sa magulang ko pare (yun yata..or) Kailangan ko ng pagmamahal.
Jon: Kung gusto mo ng pagmamahal, punta ka sa nanay mo pare, mahal ka nun.

Tawa na kami ng tawa nun. Hanggang ngayon natatawa parin ako. Hahaha. =))

Day 3- Woke up very late, ate breakfast, lunch and merienda all in a span of 3-4 hours. Then we went back to depressing Manila.

Thank you Camie, Dang, Chav, Blando and (very special) Sj for without you none of this would have been possible. Cool farm, cool ostriches. Hahaha. ♥

3. Happy birthday to you! (Saturday, October 28)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KURT DION TEODORO CENDANA!

Uminom ako ng marami nang di namamalayan. Sabi ko pa talaga "grabe, di ako tinatamaan" but lo and behold! Major headache.

I'm lazy like that. Maybe I'll edit this when pictures are up.

Pambungad

Too much has happened. But right now, I am in no mood to narrate anything (good nor bad) because......

SOMEONE IS GOING WAAAAAAAAAY OUT OF LINE hello hello.

Yung tipong imbis na point A to point B lang, gumagawa ng alternate route via point C kasi "cool" daw siya.

Alam mo yung feeling na alam mong binabarbero at sinisiraan ka tapos ang sinasabi sayo hindi? Yung tipong kinausap mo para maayos at malinaw lahat tapos ang kalalabasan sisiraan ka parin at sisindakin porket alam niyang kapatid siya. Yung tipong gagawin niya lahat para masira yung relasyon niyo ng kapatid niya. Eto yun. Leche. Panira ka ng buhay. Kung goal mong sirain ako/kami, you're doing a darned good job, bitch.

Bitch with a capital B. DIE. Sana karmahin ka na ASAP. Sa gayon, mababawasan na ang mga GINA sa mundo.

Siguro mamaya kung lumamig na ulo ko, magkkwento na ko ng tungkol sa kanya, sa 3-day Pampanga escapade at sa birthday ni Dion. Pero sa ngayon, ito lang masasabi ko:

Sana talaga karmahin ka na. Frustrated bitch. (Kung nababasa mo to magcomment ka para alam kong nabasa mo. Salamat.)

Sigh of sighs!!!!!!!!

It's times like these you learn who your real friends are. It's so hard to trust people these days because just when you thought things are looking up, here comes reality speeding right back at you armed with bull(shit). Shame.

Ayoko na talaga mag-Pampanga. Ayoko na talagang umiyak. It all boils down to tears, problems and perplexity. Malabong combination. PERO SHAME TALAGA.

P.S. To add to all this, my wonderful JOOTH is acting up on me again. Grabe. Tell me, how much worse can this get?

(Edit 1:16am)

Apparently, it just got a whole lot worse. Imagine Mt. Pinatubo erupting. So much hurt, so much anguish, so much tears, so much emotions, so much drama. Haaaaaay.

But it got better. Scarred with lahar, but better. So this will be the lahar-stricken kind of better...I think? Hay Lord what would I do without you.

I just woke up

Check out the time. So, sorry the the entry's blah.

Ngayon ang UG semender at di ako makakapunta. Takte. Wait may update (11:49am), nagdedevise kami ni Solo ng plano para makapunta ako kahit gabi na. Labo. Nyaha.

I WANT TO GO TO THE SEMENDER!!!

Anyway, Friday was just what I needed. Perfect escape. Hehehe. Thanks Perfects. Thanks Nboys+Dang(haha). =)

Can I just share? Naggrgrocery kami ni Sj at Enc at sa dami ng kinuha naming hard drinks, nilista na nung guard kung ano yung mga kinukuha namin. Tapos sabi niya "Sa inyo yan lahat?" Haha. Adik pala kami e.

At natapakan ko yung putanginangsuka (YUCK) ni Patrick (double yuck I'm so evil) na pinsan ni Gigs at Lee. Bleh.

Now, I shall mull over the fact that UG will be having fun while I am......just mulling over that. Labo.

I'm in too deep

Sa mga problemado at sawi(kagaya ko), isa lang masasabi ko:

Isipin mo nalang, ham yan.
Kung di mo gets, kulang ka sa TV. It's a mayonaisse commercial, my friend.

Tomorrow better be good. And flawless! I don't like nor need drama anymore. No, thank you.

I can't believe I haven't seen the Perfects in...ages. And You in a week. AGES YOU SEE?! Hahahaha. Gad.

Just when you think you're in control,
Just when you think you've got a hold,
Just when you get on a roll,
Oh, here it goes again.
-Here it goes again, Ok Go

That's hot

I'm sorry this will be typical Vicka angst. When the vagueness starts to fade away, you'll know.

If you want to throw crap at me, do so to my face, not to him or any other people. I know I promised myself I'd be oblivious to all this but enough is enough. Hindi ko na alam kung sinong duwag sa sitwasyon na to. Ikaw o ako? In the first place, the entire 'arguement'(which wasn't exactly an arguement but then it just had to flower up into one) was supposed to be between just two people. Now you see what happens when you involve people?

How hypocritical of me to leave this all here without the one concerned being able to read it. Osige ilalagay ko rin sa LJ ko para diretsuhan. Ok ba yun?

And again, what's worse than not knowing? It is wanting to know. Yes folks. I want to know because I have the right to hear or read it straight from.....her.

The world is not enough talaga. I need to get to Mars or Jupiter or something.

Numbers

Edited as I drown myself in random thoughts. Look! Timeposted fragments wahaha. Sabawwww.

(7:31pm)
1. Today was a bit better. I just hope no one attempts to ruin the night.
2. I posted jokes on my LJ. If you know where that is, go read and comment becaaaauuuuse iz fablek (it's public)!
3. Time to finish my MuD paper. Woopee 8-10 pages of.....bolabola. Gets ni Nikki yan. Kung gets mo, edi great. Ngeh.
4. I need an escape plan.
(9:48pm)
5. Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. -E.L. Doctorow (I KNEW IT!)
6. I'm damn sleepy. This is what I get for cleaning up the house to avoid mulling over....stuff. Stuff tss.
(12:30 am)
7. Diana and I were conversing about 4-8 having a reunion at night and she found my "Oo kasi big girls na tayo!" statement funny. Why, Diana, why? Haha. Ang cute. Kinder palang yata friends na kami. I miss you my gosh! And Nadine showed me pictures of her Canadian bunnies. Sorry na taga-Kenuhduh. Haha I miss you Nadz come home!
8. Actually, I miss 4-8. (photo stolen from Diana =p ) I just might write about that soon. Yes.

9. I'm halfway done with the paper!! Yet again, half way is still a long way to go.
10. I miss You. Awwwwwwwww.♥

Trying to be apathetic

My mother and brother are off to the States tomorrow and I am to be stuck with my sister, my father and my semi-muddled life on the verge of becoming completely submerged in drama. Terrible.

How's that for a great sembreak? Haaaayy misery!!! I envy my mother's freedom from her husband's wrath. For 2 weeks, that is. But still! 2 weeks is freedom long enough! *envious stare*

How the heck am I to survive this sembreak unscathed? Save me from this half life, please? Kthanks.

Gusto ko lumabas ulit kasama mga kaibigan ko. Hindi na overnight. Overoverovernight na. Kahit na Super Collapse lang ng Super Collapse masaya na ko. Super Collapse II, ice cream at mga kaibigan na nakikinig. Awww. ♥

Yes, TRYING to be apathetic and oblivious. Synonyms are used not for redundancy but for emphasis. So what.

This may never start
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory
Lost your sense of fear
Feelings insincere
Can I be your memory?
So get back, back, back to where we lasted
Just like I imagined
I could never feel this way
So get back, back, back to the disaster
My heart's beating faster
Holding on to feel the same
This may never start
I'll tear us apart
Can I be your enemy
Losing half a year
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything
So get back, back, back to where we lasted
Just like I imagine
I could never feel this way
So get back, back, back to the disaster
My heart's beating faster
Holding on to feel the same
This may never start
Tearin' out my heart
I'd be your memory
Lost your sense of fear
Feelings disappear
Can I be your memory?
So get back, back, back to where we lasted
Just like I imagine
I could never feel this way
So get back, back, back to the disaster
My heart's beating faster
Holding on to feel the same
This may never start
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory
Lost your sense of fear
Feelings insincere
Can I be your memory?
Can I be your memory?
-Memory, Sugarcult

PUTANGINA AYOKO NANG UMIYAK PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAA.

I've never cried this much since....exactly a year ago.

Stop crying.

We're getting too old for this

Haven't you noticed?

(Photo from PostSecret)

Anyway.

Friday the 13th has finally lived up to its name. I hope the karma gods are happy now.

It sucks that your own friends don't understand you and think it's all your fault. I can't believe how bad tears can become a basis for pity. Hindi porket hindi ako umiiyak, ako palagi yung nananakit. Everything starts with a reason. My fits start with the same. I do not enjoy (nor do I do it on purpose) hurting people. I don't. And I don't enjoy knowing that people think bad of me without knowing my side. There are 2 sides to this story. I keep things to myself and sometimes all you can do is respect that.

At hindi ako manhid. If I were, this entire thing wouldn't be such a big deal and crying in public last night would have been acting. But it is a big deal and I am incapable of acting. (yeah, laugh)

The last thing I need right now is another accusation. Sermon me and I'll listen. Accuse me not.

I give up. Smite me all you want. I hesitate to live another damned life apart from the one I am in now. Severely screwed up, I am. Things just couldn't get any worse, I kid you not.

Despite all these, one can never go wrong with friends who listen, sermon and feed you ice cream to stop you from crying. Right, Camie? Haha right. I love Melai, Camie, Dang (thank you for letting us sleep over!!) and Super Collapse II. ♥ I can't wait for the 24th.

Jump over the edge 'cause it's no ordinary day

I am a disgrace to Mother Goose.

I can't write stories. Nakakahiya ka, Vicka. My CNF narrative is pure shit. I can't write for shit.

Anyway, I loved talking to people on YM tonight. It's funny how people make you happy without even knowing. I wonder if I do the same to my downtrodden friends. Oh well. Sembreak is emo time, according to Ean. Every sembreak, nae-emo lahat. Breaks are wonderful. Crazily. See, all the idle time makes you think a little to much. Depressing, really. Based on experience, too much thinking could be bad for you. Look at me now, such a hopeless case of the i-will-be-forever-emo-and-miserable syndrome. And I used to hate/curse the word emo (believe it or not)!! Whattheheckishappeningtome.

I need a new song. My non-fictional efforts are futile. My life is composed of broken pieces of glass not worth putting back together. BLAH. Someone, make me happy.

I need chocolate!! Everyone say this loud and clear: Choc-lit choc-lit choc-lit!

Life is a series of random collisions yo!

I just realized how shallow my problems are compared to other people's. I have a messed up life, no doubt about that. But the choice to fix things and forgive was always mine. Most times, I fail to learn. Sad truth. The healing part isn't through, after all. We're halfway there but halfway's still a long way to go.

Camie and Melai:
THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I love you booooooooth! Boys will be boys no matter what. Sad truth din yan. The least we could do is be strong and pray.

Let me quote my good friend (ulol) Jessica Zafra on this: Fall is the operative term. Not to walk, leap or glide, but fall. It denotes plummetting from a height, landing with a thud, incurring welts and bruises. That's why its called falling in love--you could wind up maimed, or dead.

And also my good friend (ulol ulit) Michelle Branch: It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time.

So there. Falling and allowing ourselves into a relationship is a risk in itself worthy enough of praise...sometimes.

Friday night will be booze night. Goodluck sa gastritis ko.

Your hands are surprisingly soft, a pity I can't touch them. --Hello, Merryann Jim. Hahaha it's damn sad. =(

(edit:1102 pm) I hate this. You, maybe. Bakit kasi lahat nalang?! Aaaaaaaack! HATE.

Yesterday I went to and fro UP commuting because of my darned Math 2 teacher who recorded a 34/100 HW I never had. 34?! Cmon Caring. I'm not....dumb. ANYWAY. I took my guidance tests to kill time before the exemptions were posted at 5pm. My hands were numb because the aircon just had to be right smack in front of me. Chos!

I heard that my grade 1 homeroom teacher passed away because of circumstances when she gave birth to twins. Huhuhu. Favorite teacher ko pa naman siya dati. Pag flag ceremony tumatayo ako sa tabi niya dahil sumisipsip ako. So sad. The world just lost another educator. It's sad when teachers die. Well, when anyone does. (Hehe). =( Rest in peace, Ms. Syquia/Mrs. Caringal. You were a great Sibika teacher and homeroom adviser.

We're that old. Sibika pa subject natin dati. Araling Panlipunan na yata ngayon. Ewan. Oh well.

Is it just me or is Hale's Waltz in iambic pentameter? Or is it just the way Champ sings it? Either way, I like it. It's so appropriate. Tear here. Sigh sigh sigh. Please…I’ve said this a million times before and I’m sick.

CAMILLE BALEVA CASTRO WHAT HAPPENED?

(edit 6:31pm)

You Are A Sometimes Ex

You're sometimes an ex, and sometimes you two are back together And while your ex may seem like old news right now... You've got to wonder why you keep getting sucked back in

What Type of Ex Are You?

Now why do I find that funny? Hmmm..

So much angst from such a small girl

NOTE: Seldom do I write lengthy entries like this with so much emotions so please try reading it. Get to know me with my angst level way up there.

I'm breaking my promise. An entry of sense won't work right now despite the fact that I've submitted my 9 page incompetent Urbanization paper to Sir De Jesus this morning. Why? Because I can't write--that's why.
And the fact that I'm compelled to do so because I have to fix a brutally murdered CNF piece makes the entire attempt worse. I can't believe I'm in this course. I can't even fix a short piece.

Alter ego says (and I've been wanting to say this eversince I've read some people's comments on my paper and I mean this in the most unbiased and modest way, I swear):

Someone tell me how the fuck you make a story about your dead sister less dramatic?!

Seriously. I want to learn how. I'm a frustrated English/CW major who wants to write well. Teach me.

"I don't like it. It's too dramatic." I mean, I know you may have meant well(because you want to make it a better "story") but sometimes, think about your comments or the way you say them. Ewan. Di ko ma-explain. Na-offend lang ako, I'm sorry. Maybe it was a wrong decision to write about something sensitive to me. I don't know. I was just offended. That's it. I can take it in and maybe try to forget. I just found it rude. Dazzit.

I just had to let that out. I'm ready for a sermon.

Hello, low self esteem. I've had you for so long and now's the time I've finally decided to admit it and let the entire world (well, just those who read this) know. So Raf, you're not alone. I promise.

I need to escape. There it is again. Escape. Lagi nalang tinatakasan. Ayaw harapin.

Make time to live a little
Don't let this moment slip by tonight
You never know what you are missing until you try
Save room for my love
Save room for a moment to be with me
Save room for my love
Won't you save a little,
Save a little for me?
-John Legend

Such cowardice. It's eating me alive.

And let me just reiterrate the tiny fact that my life's an open book (especially to you). TAKE A HINT, dearest.

The moment I finally wrap up my severely procrastinated Urbanization paper, I will write an entry of sense. I promise. I need some form of release that doesn't involve talking to people because I've realized my inability to come up with sensible thoughts when in conversation these days. How dumb of me. Idle brain parts need some pumping up now, thank you very much.

And I finally found the lyrics to the song in the Vietnamese Sunsilk commercial. Clapclapclap. The title's Let Me and it was covered by Orange and Lemons.

You turn my head
But instead I feel so lonely
I feel for you, I’ve got to say
You put a spell on me
I opened my eyes, softly and wide
Lovely flower you’re my sunshine
I opened my eyes, softly and wide
Lovely flower you’re my sunshine
♥

The parents of grade 5 students of AGS have been fussing about a map reading test that the majority failed. What's all the fuss about a test about reading a darned map? Most kids in the school are brought to places by drivers and followed around by yayas. The least they'd care about are the directions to the places they go to. These parents are nagging so much about how the school gives out these inconsistent tests when, hello? Reading a map is common sense--one which I am sadly inept at doing(among others I fail to perfect). Now, they're demanding a retest or something. What? Do they they plan on teaching their kids map reading now? Kailangan talaga bumagsak pa e. Sa buhay naman kasi, may point talaga na babagsak ang mga anak niyo. It's the practicality of life. You fail to learn.

Oh well. I'm entitled to my own opinion. It's just that eversince I could remember, people just start acting when the unthinkable already happens. So sad. If only we could listen to songs and solve problems at the same time. What glorious form of escape. Whut.

Anyway, my brother passed the test. My parents are all braggy about it. He fails Math and passes a map reading test. I wonder what than means.

I want to write but there isn't anything interesting and sensible enough about my side of life's avenue.

Thanks, God. You have a funny way of teaching me a lesson. Well ok so it's not funny since I got over paranoid and was actually about to quit but hey, I learned my lesson the hard way. I love you, God. You're the best. =)

The one subject I think I'm about to tres (if not fail) is the one subject related to my course: CW10. I can't wait to shift, really. Writing decided to burn down and crumble on me when I needed it the most. I have one week to improve my essay slash story slash work of junk and result of lack of brain cells and I have no idea how I'm going to pull it off. One week. And I have an EnviSci and MuD paper(!!!) due too. What joy, huh?

But I love you, God. ♥ I needed that major slap on the face to realize a lot.

Thanks Chez, Eugene, Aina, Cels and Billy for coming over and using my brother's room. Next time ulit. Hahaha. I actually enjoyed your company. My afternoon wouldn't have been as happy, especially since I'm the only person home.

Thank You for being with me through one of my worst frights. Shit. Basta. I love you. It always comes around back to you. Haha kumanta.

I'm so thankful today, aren't I? I'm trying to live a good life now. Trying.

Don't jinx it

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"What we know is not much. What we don't know is enormous."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

If those are to be my last words, I'd rather just die. Though it is true, see, it's just not appealing (to me). Ngeh.

You Are 50% Extrovert, 50% Introvert

You're a bit outgoing, a bit reserved Like most people, you enjoy being social But you also value the time you have alone You have struck a good balance!

Are You An Extrovert or An Introvert?

Heeheeheeheehee.

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you're organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

I knew it. Ampon ako. Joke.

Your Relationship Will Last... A Long Time!

This may be hard for you to swallow, but you and your guy might not last At least not forever. He's somewhere between Mr. Right... and Mr. Right Now No doubt your guy is a great catch - and generally good to you The odds are, however, that someone better is out there!

How Long Will Your Relationship Last?

Yikee ♥

That's it for now again. Time for Math. IhateyouMathtwo.

Aggravated and paranoid

We'll do it all, everything, on our own.
We don't need anything, or anyone.
If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lay with me, and just forget the world.
I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough.
If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lay with me, and just forget the world.
Forget what we're told, before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life.
Let's waste time, chasing cars, around our heads.
I need your grace to remind me, to find my own.
All that I am, all that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where, confused about how as well
just know that these things will never change for us at all.
If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lay with me, and just forget the world?
-Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars ♥ ILY.

I can't believe I blogged for two straight days. I want this to end. End this womanly 'phase', Lord, PLEASE.

Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first, sometimes the first thing you want never comes. I know waiting is all you can do sometimes. -Aqualung

I hate waiting and wanting to know. LORD, please?

This will serve as a temporary stress reliever for all of us.
Temporary. I hope this is all temporary.
Haaaay.
Just this one little thing I can't control.
And it's driving me unbelievably crazy I can't even think straight.
GOD PLEASEEEEE.

Anyway.

Click and have fun!

All of you have to meet Chu soon. He's my, ay our pala, ever lovable stuffed penguin. ♥


I'm sorry. Palpak ang Photoshop tonight. There's nothing wrong with going basic. It's just...quite ugly. Heehee. I ♥ you!