I'm unclutterring my brain

I'm trying so hard to be happy these days.

I feel so empty and dull. Like nothing's going right and it's my fault but I'm not doing anything about it. It's my fault but I don't know exactly why I'm blaming myself.

Guilt, I suppose.

But what's wrong with feeling? We all feel. We all get hurt. We all get affected. We all get confused. We all get stuck up at some point trying to figure out the level of vulnerability we could get from the pile of shit, among others, we've stumbled on. Though we want to learn, we keep tripping on the same pile over and over again because we can't seem to enable our reflexes to land on both feet to get ourselves to balance and stand straight and proud thereafter. It's the perfect balance: making a mistake and finding a resolution. I want to trip and be able to muster enough confindence to laugh at myself--and I mean really laugh at myself, not pretend to laugh at myself. I want to trip and keep up with criticisms people come up with (as if they don't trip). I want to trip and see myself emerge as someone I'm proud of. I want to trip and realize that life's too short to be wasted on constant falls. I want to trip and be proud I did. I want to trip and make choices that matter. I want to trip and discover.

It's all a matter of time before I finally get myself to unearth the art of that perfect balance. I just hate the unearthing part. My emotions are at extremes right now and it sucks.

But I could always blame PMS, couldn't I?

Smile like you mean it.